Monday, April 20, 2015

Happy Birthday, My (Previous) Love

To the man I love, to my future.

The first time I felt your presence, I began joining the dots in the sky, wondering when our stars would align.

I often think of where you are and if you're happy. Are you in love? I hope she is gentle. I know you and I are the same in that way—we bruise a little more easily than most. You see, our souls were made in the same breath.

I know I'm running late—I'm sorry. Things haven't worked out the way I planned. But believe me when I tell you I am on my way.

Until then, think of me, dream of me and I will do the same. One day I will learn your name, and I will write it somewhere on this page. And we will realise that we have known each other all along.

A Postcard by Lang Leav

Here's me attempting to type sweet comforting words to the man I'm in love with, reaching out towards nothingness, knowing well enough that he won't notice the existence of these words that is meant to be read by him and him only. With a possibility that I may never reach the dream that I've hung on the stars since two years ago, I know I would never give up. At least not now, when I'm still strong enough to hold things on my own and mend my own scars.

So, happy 25th birthday to my one and only love, Lu Han. 我唯一的爱, 鹿晗.

It took me a long time to realise how meaningful you meant to me, and the fact that I'm really, actually in love with you rather than just being in a phase of mooning over you. 2,624 miles separated from you, no one can imagine how much I wish that we could be nearer. Countless of times, in the darkness of the night, sometimes with tears in my eyes, I wondered if there will ever come a day when I would call your name, and I will hear your voice say my own name back.

As sweet as honey
your smile is so sweet as honey
just like the way flowers bloom
in the spring breeze
Tian Mi Mi

April 2012 would be the month when I actually acknowledge you, and even though I had a slight regret that I didn't notice you earlier, I am rather grateful that this allowed me to appreciate you even more than I've appreciated others. Slowly, step by step, I took every chance to get to know you more. Even now, after learning a lot about you, I know that there must be countless more things that I haven't learned about you. One day, I hope that I can learn all of them and cherish them while being by your side.

From the way you smile, the way you looked while doing nothing, the way you walked, the way you dressed, the way you talk to others or express yourself, the strong gaze you have when you sang and dance, the way you laugh, the way you eat, the way you tried brushing away people's compliments on you, the way you act when you're shy, the way you absentmindedly make small gestures with your feet, the way you treated the people around you, the way you looked when you're happy or talking about something that you love, the determination that you have when you played games especially in soccer, the way you would take pictures of yourself, the way you said "yo", and every other little things that made you who you are, I got to say they were all the reasons for me to love you just a bit more than I already did from the moment I fell for you.

I pray for the best of you in your life and career, and I'm hoping you will always be in a good health. It hurts me when you pretended to be fine even though your fragile self is hurting, but being a strong-willed man you are, I know I have not much to worry. I'm glad that you can finally be with your family again, I hope they're taking a good care of you and you're doing the same for them. Eat a lot, and enjoy what you're doing as long as you still can. One day I hope I'll be able to cook for you and do the things that you love while being by your side. All I want is for you to be happy and safe.

There's still a lot of unsaid words that I wish I could tell you, and I want to save them only for me and for you when I'm able to say to you. I've never known any man that makes my heart flutter even at the first word of his name, like the way you do. You're impossible to find, and I can't thank you enough for making me able to love you. I love you and I love you. Even if I collect all the stars in the whole universe, they will never reach the amount of love I want to give you. Someday I hope, I will hear the same words from you. With all my heart, I love you, Lu Han.

I don't know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place—some other existence.

Soul Mate by Lang Leav

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